Missing our Baby

Leaving the hospital without our new baby was one of the harder things I've ever done.  I kept trying to remind myself that at least we are leaving the hospital with a baby who is alive and improving.  We truly have much to be thankful for. 

But I still feel like grieving.  My heart is heavy and I miss my baby.  It feels strange and lonely to be home, not be pregnant, but not have a baby in our arms.  I know in my head she is being well cared for and is much better off in the NICU in Seoul than here in our home right now but it doesn't comfort my heart or my empty arms and it doesn't stop the tears.

Everything about this past week feels so intuitively wrong - having her 5 weeks early, having a c- section, not seeing my baby for the first 2 days of her life, not nursing her, not holding her, not kissing her, not cuddling her, not taking care of her or changing her diapers or wrapping her in her blanket. Seeing my baby full of tubes and holes and monitors, sedated and on pain killers. Only being allowed to see her briefly 3 times a day and then walking away, leaving her behind at the hospital and returning back to life without her.

Yet I know we are experiencing peace despite the heartbreak.  I know the Lord is watching over us and her. I know this is all in His hands and absolutely did not come as a surprise to Him.  I know this has been in His plans and is ordained for a reason.  I know He is in control.

This whole week Colossians has been a huge comfort. 

"He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation.  For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities--all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body the Church.  He is the beginning, the firstborn of creation that in everything he might be preeminent.  For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell and through him to reconcile to himself all things whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross."

For by him Evelyn Grace was created - she was created through him and for him.  He is before her and in him she holds together...He is the beginning that in everything He might be preeminent.

Her life is His, created for him and by him...It is only in Him that she (we all) hold together.  He holds all things and He holds her (and us...and you...) in His Hands.  We grieve. And we cling to Him, knowing He goes before and He has a plan in this.

Sleep well sweet Evelyn Grace.  We miss you tonght and every night.  We are praying for you - along with so many others - and we trust you to Jesus' care as you sleep tonight.  May you feel His presence and His sweet peace and healing hands. We love you Baby Girl.